patentghost

10/18/23
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I've missed having this little journal space to empty thoughts into. I have been hoping to make my thoughts more polished for a nicer blog, but I still need an unpolished vent space so journal is now back. (I may fill in the gap between this entry and the last (from 5/3/23) with bits of journaling I've done in notes or other places.)

I was actually intending to write an entry about anxiety tonight, but in reviewing my past entries here I was surprised to find that some of them were actually quite reassuring on this topic and continue to mean a great deal to me. I guess I shouldn't see this space as "childish" or "silly" when the truth is I've simply been passing along important messages from myself in the past to my current self (and also my future self).

So I'm just going to pick out certain things and bring them into this entry because they, surprisingly, still speak to the things I am going through and what pulls me through those situations and keeps me going:

--from 2/19/23:--

Learning to un-hear the barbed wire wrapped around every word.

--from 2/14/23:--

"True to Form" (poem)

Unwinding the barbed wire around words -- barbed wire that's not actually there, but that I'm primed to still hear anyway -- is a major learning process and something that still takes a lot to do. It's very easy to slip back into a state of high alert if you aren't careful.

Where others' completely harmless words and actions seem to take on the tone of contempt, coldness, and ridicule by default, though those are inaccurate perceptions in these instances. You spend enough time walking on eggshells and getting ready for the next blow that it rewires your nervous system to constantly anticipate danger to protect you.

It's insanely difficult to unwire it and learn to experience interactions differently. But it IS possible and it IS worth it. I will probably always struggle with this to some extent, but I have made a ton of progress at overturning these deeply ingrained reactions.

Often it's a matter of patience and discipline, very slowly acquired. To take a deep breath and work in the moment to untangle the past from the present, carefully pulling the gnarled, thorny ghosts away from the vital threads of connection.

5/3/23
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After the dismal results of the attempt to print vinyl stickers earlier this year, I'm never wasting time / money on the online print services again. At least experiencing those problems gives me a better idea of how to approach things with a local printer to make sure projects meet basic standards at least, and hopefully exceed them. There's a print shop in town that I'm planning to talk to once I get the chance.

4/22/23
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Having a shit time trying to draw lately. Just hating everything I try to make.

I haven't really liked the past few things I've posted, but I knew that and accepted it. Awkward growing stages. It felt like once I was done with them, I could move on to making things I liked better using what I learned.

Now... I'm not sure exactly what is up. Every time I try to make something I just loathe it. It feels awful. I try to make the best of it and keep going to possibly salvage it, but I have to stop after a while. Because it's not making me feel any better, it's making me feel much worse.

I'll figure it out, shit like this happens from time to time. It does suck though.

4/9/23
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VERY strange dreams. A person was showing me a special piece of paper, in which they had captured the essence of the color of a robin's egg. At first, the paper looked off-white, maybe only the faintest notion of pale blue, but as the sun rose and the light hit it, it gradually transitioned to blue. I had been skeptical initially when the paper was white. As the transformation occurred, I had to admit that the maker of the paper had in fact created something that wasn't just the exact color, it WAS the color somehow.

Other things from the dreams: a garden behind a family's house, with ancestral statues of two women, one a miniature version much smaller than the other. They stood at the edge of a small patio area, with woods about 5 feet behind them. One family member approached the larger statue to give it respect, facing it but standing at a distance of about 7 feet or so. The larger one was life size, or near life size. If an actual person, she would've been around my height, so a short woman basically.

They were both in folk costume or wearing traditional clothing. The main color was bright white -- partly because that is what the statues were cast in -- a bright blue second, with red and yellow after. I remember the details of the larger statue better. It had a large white headscarf with patterns in blue. The smaller figure had something similar. Both wore dresses, with aprons, and had embroidered patterns, most simple and geometric, like dots and lines, but possibly others I didn't focus on that could've been more complex.

The family there told me a lot about everything but it was hard to retain what they said. In particular, they told me the history and the names of all the animals and dogs they had, but it was in a language I didn't understand. I couldn't grasp the names for more than a moment. For an instant I could see how the etymologies intersected, and the references in the names, but then the words fell away and became too distant to understand. I remember wishing they would write it down so I could see the words better.

4/5/23
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Been in a lot of pain. It's becoming even harder to walk, which sucks because being outside is really helping me cope with things. Surgery at the end of the month should help fix this, but it seems like it's going to be a really, really long month until then.

I so want to be more active and exercise and go out and do things, especially all the stuff that has to be done for moving. (Traveling to the areas I might move to, sorting out bureaucratic shit at different office buildings, going to look at apartments, etc.) At present the most I can do is attend appointments and drag myself around the grocery store. And that's already exhausting.

I've walked to parks recently too for a bit of peace, but it hurt like hell getting there and even worse getting back. I consider that a necessary cost and did it with full knowledge of the consequences. Necessary doesn't make it not costly though.

Trying to keep a sense of humor about how things are currently because just the sheer amount of shit that's gone wrong, is truly absurd. It strains my credulity sometimes and I'm the one living it.

I'm sincerely hopeful and excited about the future, it's just a pain in the ass getting there! Being in the trenches while sorting my life out is a shitty experience but necessary. "The only way out is through" and all that.

3/20/23
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After pseudo-spring regressed back into several snow storms, spring now appears, tentatively, to have come back for its technical debut date at least. It was warm outside today, granted that mostly means "cold unless you stand in certain spots and the sun hits you," but that's still a huge deal. The sun IS shining.

Hoping for warmer weather as spring continues to unfold, hopefully will be able to spend more time outside.

I want to ID more stuff and keep trying with iNaturalist. Maybe figure out whether the stick structures on the pond are beaver dams or muskrat lodges? Leaning toward muskrats, but C is obsessed with beavers right now so it'd be good to get a photo to send if that's what they are.

Feelings of doom / anxiety have been bothering me a lot the past few days. Being extra tired and run down makes my mind fall into a weird place. Some of the lies my brain comes up with have become loud again, mostly on the same old themes of feeling worthless and like I've made some kind of huge mistake. It's annoying that despite knowing those feelings aren't based on anything concrete, they aren't dispelled by that alone. So it's a very strange sensation operating around this block of awful feelings. While sticking to the progress and goals I've committed to, that I can't directly access very easily.

It's a weird kind of trust. The knowledge that, despite how convincing my brain will make the terribleness seem, it IS an illusion that doesn't hold up when exposed to the scrutiny of clearer thinking. It's a sort of phantom in the dark that can't stand the light of day. When it says "Oh, maybe last time, but THIS time is different!" it feels so convincing but that track record literally never holds up.

With rest, a meal, friendship, finding joy in something, etc., it always dissolves eventually. I can then see it's a shortsighted, overly negative point of view that isn't realistic or logical. The only thing to do is to remember that, and keep going. Knowing that the framework that guides me isn't the bad thinking and horrible feelings, but the framework that's obvious in the clarity of better thinking, support, and having basic needs fulfilled.

There's a lot I need to work on. I hope when the bad thinking clears more I'll be able to see recent progress in a more realistic light. It's scary, but that's all it can do. Business as usual must go on. It's not a reason to stop moving forward or working toward my goals.

3/14/23
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Zucchini, cut into half medallions. Sautéed in oil with small amount of butter melted in. Some garlic powder, basil, oregano, and thyme thrown in. Salt and pepper. Thought of adding parsley garnish but forgot.

Much better than last attempt. Pieces were cut too small (1/3 the size) and got mushy in the center before the rest had softened cooking.

3/9/23
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Trying out iNaturalist. Walked down to the wetlands preserve evening. Cold as fuck.

Red-winged blackbirds. Eastern skunk cabbages. Turkey tail mushrooms. Maybe a muskrat in the water?

3/1/23
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Thinking of either making this section more organized or eventually creating a section that has more polished reflections. Have been thinking a lot about food, diet culture, fatphobia, and the deep-seated societal fears of age and disability. I don't really have a place to put thoughts (basically an essay or writing piece?) about that. I do have a lot to say on the topic. Probably make a separate section, since I like being able to jot down thoughts here in a non-structured way.

2/25/23
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Mopping floors today. Trying to get things in order here. Having a more difficult time emotionally lately, but for whatever reason, I was able shake some of the anxiety today and felt more like myself.

2/23/23
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Feeling painfully alone. A sense of dread I can't place but it's really bothering me. Have to chalk it up to how this week went.

I just have to get out of here. Sometimes I think about how if I could work / survive, I would have no trouble just walking away, getting on a bus or a train and leaving for some other place. Recklessly just walking away.

Ideally I'd hope to be going somewhere on purpose, ideally somewhere where I knew people, but if not, that'd be okay too. I just want to not be trapped under this same sky, in the same four walls, in a town with only dead ends to offer me.

I am working on creating a way out, but it's slow and complicated. I'll stick to that, though the idea of simply walking away, keeping on walking, and never looking back is where my exhaustion and waning tolerance is at.

2/20/23
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Appointments. Really draining. Feeling very anxious today. Woke up like that out of some sort of not-really-sleep sleep.

There's too much "urgent" stuff right now and nowhere near the amount of energy needed to address everything. Hoping there'll be a moment to rest and catch my breath soon.

2/19/23
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Learning to un-hear the barbed wire wrapped around every word.

Shadows of needles that aren't there. Learning the illusion can't touch me.

Letting the phantoms of years lined with eggshells and broken glass flicker and fade away.

Trust is a lot of slow, deliberate work.

But I know what I'm doing. I know it's right.

2/17/23
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A long time ago, while working on a farm (long story), someone there brought this amazing juice: a blend of papaya, peach, orange, apple, and pineapple. I tried it there and later looked for it in stores with no luck.

A couple years ago I finally found it again and now occasionally buy it sometimes. R.W. Knudsen's Morning Blend. It's expensive fancy juice brand but I swear that when you drink it, it feels like your life force is being restored.

2/16/23
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Saw someone's dream journal on their site, might make one at some point. It might be interesting / funny to try. It also reminded me of the dream I had last night:

My sister and her fiancé were there, I think my brother was too, but more in the background. We were in an apartment I didn't recognize. It had wood paneling on the walls and carpeted floors. (Kind of reminds me of my cousin's place or my grandparents' trailer? Or a hybrid of that?)

We were all in the living room, and my sister had purchased a new technology. It was like a gigantic pink orb that took up half the room, but hollow inside like a hamster ball. I don't 100% remember what it was supposed to do, but it didn't matter because some unseen cadre of angry people somewhere were determined to remotely "hack into it" and destroy it.

Note that it wasn't the only one of its kind, it was just a product you could buy. It came in several different sizes.

There was a struggle between the angry people and us trying to use voice-activated commands to prevent them from succeeding. Neither side decisively won and the attack stopped, but the orb was damaged. It became sort of plastic and partially deflated like a beach ball. But in the end, we were able to order a new one and replace it. Since we knew about the angry people and their strategies now, they weren't able to hijack the orb anymore.

I don't know what that means. Deep worries over the security vulnerabilities of the Internet of Things? An already-obvious distrust of Alexa, Amazon, consumerism, etc.? The impending marketability of wizard orbs? All of that?

2/15/23
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Another spring-like day. I don't trust it to stay, but it's appreciated after the past couple months have been a kind of cold I can only describe as "evil."

Some kinds of winter cold are nice, sort of refreshing and uplifting. Other times it's like I'm really not into this immersion experience of feeling my threadbare mortal frailty in absurdly high definition for weeks at a time.

Because bodies suck, and because mine is extra worse than average, I'm super vulnerable to frostbite and cold just messes up my entire system. So much of my time / energy in the winter is spent trying to manually do the temperature regulation that my body can't do itself. It gets old really, really fast.

Spring is nice though. I favor the moodier seasons, when the temperatures are less extreme. Seasons are good with some angst in them, plus a generous sprinkle of rainy days for flavor.

I've wanted to try ID-ing more of the trees and plants around here. And sometimes you just need to go find a greener spot and wander aimlessly a bit. The essentials in life.

2/14/23
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For as much as my brain tells me
"shut up shut up shut up"
I can never keep my mouth shut.

The temptation to reach out, to connect,
to express joy and to share life,
to say "I see you"
is overwhelming.
And in a battle of wills,
my will to punish and constrict myself loses.

There's something compassionate
and deeply validating in that:
Knowing which way the contest tips
even when that's completely obscured.
It lets a gentle light in,
and even the most hopeless corner shifts:
Of course trying to confine myself doesn't work.
It was laughable to think otherwise.

To my mind saying "deny yourself!"
and to all its echoes,
I don't have the heart to stick to it.
Inevitably I betray myself: I speak, I exist --
True to form,
Unable to hold a shape other than my own.

2/13/23
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It's been very warm suddenly the past couple days. Sun is out, feels like spring.

People say Valentines day is a "Hallmark holiday," and technically it is, but I think we should make it a USPS holiday instead. Just write letters to all your friends.

2/11/23
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Big food prep mission of the day is to prepare pan fried tofu to go over rice, with sautéed green peppers and pearl onions. The pearl onions I want to use up - I'd gotten them to try because I thought they might be good simmered in dashi, and they were... But they don't bring anything to it that couldn't be achieved with normal size onions. I mistakenly thought they'd have a different quality to them but they're just tiny mostly.

2/10/23
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The vinyl stickers should arrive next week. In the future if I do any more designs like this, I definitely want to try to print them somewhere closer. I'd feel a lot more comfortable seeing proofs wrt the colors, but didn't have a lot of time with this project.

2/9/23
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Dismayed to learn today that the historian responsible for assembling a resource that has been invaluable to me passed away in 2021. I hadn't looked up any information about him till now. It's not a surprise exactly, as age happens to us all, but I'd kind of hoped to meet him someday? Or at least to thank him or acknowledge his work. So much information that should have almost certainly been lost forever, isn't, thanks to one person's dedication.

I can't really even explain the full scope and how unlikely it is for *any* of piece of it to have survived, because every. single. detail. of this massive project has that exceptional distinction. It feels like stealing a glimpse of something vital and precious, that you can't quite believe you get to set your eyes on. It's a gift. That's only around because someone happened to be in the right place at the right time and took it upon themselves to preserve it.

2/8/23
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Feeling like I have the emotional constitution of a plastic grocery bag in the rain today. So a day where I'm kind of forcing myself to take care of shit even though it makes me feel like I want to burst out of my skin. Like "No, actually you *aren't* uniquely horrible in the history of the universe, it just FEELS that way extremely convincingly. Go eat something, take a shower, and at some point you will eventually start to feel human again."

2/7/23
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Weird dreams. Some comforting moments, but overall pretty grim. (Wtf?) Feeling kind of down today. Want to just curl up and hide.

2/6/23
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Finished the sticker designs and sent them off to be printed. I'm really pleased with the colors, they came out shiny, iridescent, and metallic and I kind of love it. Mostly an accident. But feeling A LOT better about this project now. Forgot it's Valentines this month so the printing may be a little delayed but hopefully that won't matter much.

2/5/23
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Continued coloring the cat / butterfly but too unhappy with it to keep going. Had some sort of lightning bolt of genius and decided to use some old ink drawings of animals as the linework and focus on coloring them in a way that looks nice.

2/4/23
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Frustrated with the cat / butterfly design. I wanted it to seem happy or cute, but it seems vacant instead.

1/31/23
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Becoming fascinated again with the fact that people can just. Make languages to talk to computers. And seeing a need beyond the existing framework, they can build on what's there and just. Make more to accomplish it. A different kind of problem solving than for human languages, but an exercise in language and logic as problem solving nonetheless.

1/30/23
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Designing a vinyl sticker for a friend, combining her love of cats and butterflies. The process is new to me so I'm hoping it will turn out okay, especially when printing the colors.

1/29/23
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7 days delay is up! I'm slightly less new and can now post and comment on Neocities!

1/28/23
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I still cannot post or comment on anything. Feeling very LET ME IN LET ME IIIINNNNNNN about it. I'm horrific at math but I thought it was a week as of today. Not sure the exact time of day that Neocities is counting as zero.

1/27/23
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I found the old html editor I used ages ago. Something I had forgotten is that it was only a trial version. I don't remember if it was always the case, but now if you use that free editor, it starts out functional then slowly the features start to disappear until it does not work.

There's something very absurd about that. They couldn't make a version with less features or something, they had to make this surreal experience where you start out normal and the editor breaks itself over time until you pay. The poor thing pleads with you while the company's brandishing a baseball bat like "Fork up the cash or the tag highlighting gets it!" Such an absurd nightmare world where this is a logical thing to do.